The Mav...On Yoga

Hooray! The Maverick has graciously agreed to provide us with the sage and wise thoughts she experiences whilst bending herself into crazy shapes.

I always get so excited when I climb the stairs to my yoga class. I go to one of those pretentious yoga places that doubles as a spa and also sells clothes and candles (I’m a yuppie in SF so …natch).

Before my class, I take a quick glance around the room and pray that my “spot” is open. Yes, I have a “spot”. Of course I have a "spot" - what do you think this is, pilates? No.

Anyway, it's all the way in the back near the rear window. I mean, really, who wants to do yoga in the front of the class. There are at least three other people behind you and when you do Vinyasa like I do – you spend most of your time in downward facing dog (or "ass-to-the-world”)

Crap. My yoga teacher points me to front and center. Next to some tan, skinny dude who looks like he's a vegan, probably makes his own granola, and uses Dr. Brommers. Ugh, fine. Good thing all I ate before class was a banana (I have a harder time doing upward facing dog after I’ve stuffed my face with say…bacon fried rice).

We move through the various poses and my whole body loosens up. Downward facing dog begins to feel like a resting position as we go to high lunge (aka make-your-thighs-burn), eagle pose (twist-all-your-limbs together-aaaannndd-HOLD), extended triangle pose (hello side muscles. How are they, you ask? Oh, they’re fine. You just go ahead and try this pose for a while, then get back to me. kthx.).

Yay! Time for new poses!

“Ok, stand up and reach for the sky”
Ahhh, reach for the sky. Wow, my back is really stretching. I could really go for a hot dog right now. Wait, focus.
“Now bend down into full fold”
Hells yeah bitches, I can full palm it to the ground. Hellooo hammies.
“Now take your right arm and extend it next to your right inner thigh”

Hehe, right arm in right thigh. Teehee. Jeez, come on, focus! Ok, extending the arm.

“Now twist your left arm around your back and grab your right arm”
Uh, come again? Ok, Ok. I got this. Twist and…reach…and…oh! I got my arm! I’m in the bind! YESSS!!!! New pose, I conquer you!
“Now go ahead and lift off with your right leg and come to standing”
...I’m sorry. What?
“That’s right, just come to standing”

...I'm sorry. What? You mean, this pose keeps going???

“Lift off with your right leg”

Lift off? No…no. My leg is just fine where it is. Rooted next to my other leg, keeping me from falling on my ass. You know, since I’m all twisted in a pretzel. Damn, hippy granola lover has already taken off. I bet he cheats, and eats pretzels. OK! OK! Lifting off…oh dear…here we go…uh...OH! I’m standing! Whoa…

And for the next 70 minutes, I am in the zone. Thoughtless, content, happy.

Now that’s what I call the sweetness.